I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
me irl
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.