Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

Me :

All Day At Night

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system