Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go to sleep after making me angry

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.