I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
A decision was made here.
