Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”