i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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@funTweeters I am at your service….
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.