I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.