I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
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Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
We have a winner.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law