Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged