Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

I need better friends

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now