I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
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The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Smile they said.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me