I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
You Might Also Like
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.