I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.