I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Ummm 😳
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.