I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.