Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*