Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

*pronounces surface like Versace*

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.