I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”