I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”