i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
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Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”