I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
You Might Also Like
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.