I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It