Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.