I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*


I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.


GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent


If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.


I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow


When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”


When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.