I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Well, that didn’t work.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I am HOWLING at this
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?