I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.