I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
next question.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license