Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

just got my engagement photos

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!