I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
