I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
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me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.