@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

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@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

@longwall26

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

@huntigula

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

@truegritrumble

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

@nbadag

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

@meganamram

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

@LeightonSaysHi

He told me he wanted a dirty girl so I didn’t shower for two weeks. Now he won’t return my calls. Forget women, MEN and their mixed signals!