Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
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me: can i sign ur cast
movie director: no
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Frizzy hair? Coconut oil
No shaving cream? Coconut oil
Dry skin? Coconut oil
Relationship problems? Coconut oil
Bad credit? Coconut oil
hmmm if I had to pick my favorite Charcter from Jurassic park I’d have to say it would be, the dinosaurs
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?