@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

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@PaigeKellerman

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

@pilau

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

@misfarber

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

@LizHackett

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

@BGH70

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

@topaz006

Frizzy hair? Coconut oil
No shaving cream? Coconut oil
Dry skin? Coconut oil
Relationship problems? Coconut oil
Bad credit? Coconut oil

@hippieswordfish

hmmm if I had to pick my favorite Charcter from Jurassic park I’d have to say it would be, the dinosaurs

@Dutch_50

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?