Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.