I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.