I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
If a snake ate a cake
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”