I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]