Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.