Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]