I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
twitter is a journey
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.