Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?