Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.