Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Thoughts

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

I feel it

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.