Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

Ha

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.