I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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#SuperBowl
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma