I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday