I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“I FIXED IT!”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there