Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”