I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
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When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
become ungovernable
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.