I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.