Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts