Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”