I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you