I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
👽
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.