Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever