I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
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#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Animal poetry
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
subtitles are so good nowadays
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.