I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
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Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.