I mean…but I did
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
God tier horse name today on the sims
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
how to have an accident 101
