I mean…but I did
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I love twitter
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Thinking about a snail with a limp
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.