I mean…but I did
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Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
LOL
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*