i meant to share this earlier
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Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what