i meant to share this earlier
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Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it