i meant to share this earlier
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Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?