I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
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Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Are we there yet?…
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.