Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Always this one for me forever

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.