I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”