i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
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Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.