Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Yup.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

Worlds greatest photobomb

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you