Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

why isn’t he texting back

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.