Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend