I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
You Might Also Like
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either