I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me