I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.