I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
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as the prophecy foretold
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Sign of the day..
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?