i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
calling in to work dehydrated
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
welcome back
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Suuuuure
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher