Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

Running your mouth is not cardio.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay