i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.