Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

getting old is fun

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Taco Bell, Exit 22

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

i just found this in my phone