Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

Today’s Times

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

CRYING