I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward